Coffee Talk

"Have you ever seen an albino squirrel?" was the question I was just asked by the man sitting next to me at the coffee shop where I am working on my laptop.

How do you answer that?

I looked up slowly shook my head and said, "Uh, nope."

"Do you want to?"

Again, how do you answer that?

So I said, "Um, sure."

So this stranger turned his laptop towards me and showed me a picture of an albino squirrel.

My review of the book "Thierry Mugler: Galaxy Glamour" for Interiors Magazine ((click to read))

"Mom-Like"

The other day the assistant at my commercial agency called to tell me I had an audition for a Budweiser commercial. He told me the time and the address and he told me what to wear. At first I thought he said a "skin tight dress" but was relieved when I realized he actually said "mom-like dress." And then I was sort of disturbed. Have I really entered into the "mom" category? Not to mention since when are there "mom" types in beer commercials? After hanging up and heading to my closet, I realized I actually have a lot of "mom-like" dresses. Most of them are my mom's. But now what sort of "mom" are we talking about here? An L.A. "cougar-type" mom in Uggs and a Juicy sweatsuit or a "sensibly dressed" perhaps "Talbots-clad" PTA Board Member mom? Being a mom for the first time was very confusing. I opted for a "conservative" yet "form-flattering" DVF-esque "wrap-dress" ("Nothing flatters a figure better than a good wrap dress, Lilibet, especially with three-quarters-length sleeves,") my mom, Betty, (of the latter school of moms) has told me many times. So I slapped on my wrap dress and combed some baby powder through my hair because I didn't have time to wash it. I accidentally put a little too much baby powder in my hair, however, turning it a lovely shade of frosted gray. And all of the sudden I went from "fresh young mom" to "old mom" or perhaps even "hot grandmother who's had lots of plastic surgery."

Junko.

There are few things in life that tickle me more than the unintentional botching of the English language by someone who is not a native speaker. Take for instance, my dear friend Junko, who is from Japan. Though she is completely fluent in English and has lived here for ten years, she, too, sometimes has a tough time. The L's and the R's are, of course, a problem. We used to know a girl named Hillary that caused Junko all sorts of problems. Sometimes, just for fun, we make Junko say "Jerry's Famous Deli's Jelly Beans." She's a good sport about it.

One night, while working at the restaurant, Junko was waiting on an Italian man, his English much worse than hers. He sat down and ordered a "Chivas" (...Regal, the Scotch-Whiskey). Junko said ok, great, and went into the back to put in the order. Twenty-five minutes later a "seabass" arrived on the man's table.

Ode To A Washer and Dryer

In honor of my first semester of graduate school being over I thought I'd share the first assignment I turned in for one of my writing classes. We were told do a fake translation of a Vietnamese poem. Everyone wrote these very "deep" and "meaningful" poems. I wrote mine about wishing I had a washer and dryer.

Ode To A Washer And Dryer

Oh how I long for a washer and dryer.

I would wash my clothes all day long

And my sheets

And my towels

And even the dirty bathmat by my tub,

Which never gets washed and is no longer

White, instead a shameful gray-brown.

Oh what a joy it would be

To never visit a Laundromat again

And wash my underwear next

To the homeless people washing their blankets.

Drop off your clothes, pick up hepatitis!

All for only six quarters to wash,

Four quarters to dry.

Bones

Ten minutes after Mickelson won the Masters, his caddy, Bones, was still crying.

"This is way beyond golf," said caddy Jim "Bones" Mackay, who's been with Mickelson for 19 years. "This is about a guy who loves his wife. This is about a guy who had a really hard year. Twenty years from now, nothing will compare with this. This is his greatest win, by far. Because of Amy, because of his mom, everything. God bless all those women that go through what Amy and Phil's mom have gone through. Because I've seen it and it ain't easy."

Trying To Get Phil To Sign My Tallboy, The Riv, 2008